"Hey Girl", Kevin said.
Tara did the standard reply, "Hey Boy."
"Meltdown over?"
"Yes."
"You meltdown big."
"It doesn’t happen often"
"You ok?" . . . . . . . . . . . . .
~~~~Tara hit the play button on her answering machine to stop the annoying beeping. Her heart leapt to her throat and fell to her knees at the same time as she heard the voice that she hadn’t heard in 13 years, "Hey Girl. It’s Kevin. Call me at 768-546-9081. Later, Girl."
She remembered the last time she heard that voice. They were on the phone the day after his 21st birthday. He’d just told her he’d proposed to his girlfriend. They had been dating less than 4 months. It was almost 2 months after he left that they talked first time. He told her "I’ve met some new people. One has helped me see how much I love you." It was the first time he’d said that out loud. She said, "I love you." It wasn’t the first time for her. He quickly added, "But I love her now." Now they were engaged.
~~~~It was 2 days later before they stopped playing phone tag. They talked for over an hour. Going over what there lives had been like the past 13 years. She had kept up with him and watched his rise to fame, and the tragic accident that took 2 of the Backstreet Boys. They hadn’t recorded anything since, and Kevin hadn’t been seen much of. He was still married, and had a 6 year old son, named Nick, who was the light of his life. Tara had a 6 year old too, Chris. She was divorced over a year now. Kevin was shocked, he had always pictured her living the fairytale. Life doesn’t always work that way. He had been surprised by her inquiries about him, but was genuinely glad to talk to her - it had been a long time.
She remembered them. Their time together had been short. They met their freshman year at the University of Ky. And he dropped out before the end of the Spring Semester. They met at a party and vacillated between best friends and a little more until the end of February when they admitted that there was more and dated.
~~~~Hearing the voice of that 19 year old kid coming from the 32 year old man was overwhelming. She sat and cried for a long time after they hung up.
She remembered the first time she cried over him. They had spent a lot of time together hanging out and talking. Becoming friends. Things always got intense in the wee hours of the morning. They could be found deep in a conversation or laughing alone in a room at the fraternity house. They had talked about both having "more than friends" feelings, but didn’t want to risk what they had, and he was dating Beth. This weekend Kevin had talked a lot about his cousin’s death when Kevin was 12. He told her things he hadn’t told anyone, even his best friend. Monday night he showed up at Tara’s dorm and called her down to take a walk, "We can’t do this anymore. The guys think we’re fucking, and tell Beth all sorts of shit. And this weekend I told you things I haven’t even told Brian. I don’t know why I did that, but I don’t need someone else that close to me. I won’t do it. If you have something to say, say it now because this is it." His face was stone cold as she stood there asking "why?". He restated himself, "You haven’t earned the right to know those things. And I won’t risk things with Beth. Goodbye." They never said goodbye. Goodbye was an ending, they always said "Later". Tonight Kevin had said goodbye.
They saw each other a few times before the end of the semester and things were cold. When they returned for Spring Rush, he and Beth had broken up. His eyes lit up when Tara walked into the house, "hey there’s the girl". He apologized, and they slipped right back into how things had been. Only both aware that they didn’t like not having the other around. After a rush party they were sitting on the couch in his room and he kissed her, "God I’ve wanted to do that for so long. I’ve just wanted to hold you and kiss you." She had the same feelings. They spent the night kissing and holding each other. He told her this felt good. By Friday he decided this was a bad idea and backed off again, wanting to just be friends. He told her everything he said had been a line to get her to stay, he was cold and lonely. She didn’t believe him, it was good. This was the second time she cried over him.
Tara and Kevin went back to being friends and goofing off. One Friday night in late February they were hanging out as usual and went to a party. No big deal. Tara was sitting in a chair talking and he came over, "Let me sit down." She kept up with her conversation and scooted over, giving him room. He sat and waited until she was done, "You know this isn’t comfortable." She laughed at him, "Well, bud, I was here first." He stood up, "I know how we can both be comfortable." He pulled her up, sat down, then pulled her in his lap. She looked across the room at her best friend Michelle, her eyes wide with puzzlement.
They were back in his room at 3 am and he wanted to talk, "I want you to stay. I want your attention." Tara sat on the stairs that led to his bed and said angrily, "Why?" Kevin looked at her just as angrily, "You know I keep going back and forth thinking Kev she’s gonna be a bitch about this, fuck it. Then I think well she’s heard this from you before and you dogged her, she’s got a right to be." Tara said, "That’s right. What makes this different." He sighed and closed his eyes, "Nothing makes this different. I wanted your attention then and I want it now." Tara was confused, "You said that was all lines." He stared at his shoes, "I lied. It felt good and I freaked. Can’t guarantee I won’t again. But I know I want you to stay." She looked at him, "What about this just friends shit we’ve been feeding each other?" He laughed, "Just that. Shit. I never wanted that." She stayed.
~~~~~Tara and Kevin started talking on the phone and emailing each other. Kevin would pass on her funny emails to Brian. Brian was married to Kelley, and they had twin girls, and a son. Brian had met Tara once. He replied to one of the emails Kevin forwarded figuring if she couldn’t figure out who he was that she wasn’t worth it. She knew immediately. They grew to be friends. Kelley even flew to Tara’s for a girl’s weekend. Brian would tell Tara that Kevin’s whole outlook had changed since they began talking. Kevin and his wife weren’t the happy little couple he had led her to believe. There was trouble. Brian didn’t like her, and every time Kevin, Brian and Howie would get together it was a nightmare with her.
She remembered the first time she met Brian. It had been a big deal for Kevin, and she had made a great impression. She didn’t take any of his shit. It was Brian’s ex-girlfriend who told Tara when Kevin got married, "Lis’, she looks just like you." Was that supposed to help? Make it not hurt so bad?
~~~~Tara, Kevin and Brian did three way calls. They would laugh and talk for hours. Then Kevin disappeared. Brian told her things weren’t going well and the wife had cried the whole time they were on the phone last time. She knew this~ the we can’t be friends anymore speech. Kevin finally emailed her saying he had no intention of going anywhere. They were working on it, and 3 weeks later his wife invited her down to a party.
She remembered the last time she’d seen him. He had come to her house over the summer. The morning he was to leave they made love. The best ever. He was going to move in with Brian and start over. The guys had begged her to make him stay. They knew she could, that he would stay for her. Tara wouldn’t do it. She loved him too much. She loved him enough to let him go. He needed to go find his happy, and if it wasn’t with her, it would hurt but she’d be ok. If they were meant to be they would meet again. Another time, another place. Timing is everything. No one understood. She walked him to the car and he kissed her, "Bye Girl." She heard it, "Bye boy."
~~~~Tara got out of the car at Kevin’s house. She had bags of food in her hands. He walked over, "Hey girl." She smiled, "Hey boy" "Looks like you’ve got your hands full?" She shook her head. He smiled, "Give me a hug anyway."
The party was small, just some of their friends. Tara came with Brian and Kelley. It was clear to Tara that no one knew exactly who she was or her place in this. One of the wife’s friends knew and gave her dirty looks all night. One of Kevin’s friends figured it out when he walked in on Tara and Kevin reminiscing about old friends. He noticed the intensity in the room and said "Oh shit, I get it now. You two. This is too weird", he left the party.
She remembered how they used to communicate. They didn’t have to speak. Volumes were said with out a word. A look or a touch said it all. In their recent conversations they had discovered that they had read many of the same books and they were most influenced by the exact same book. Amazing thing, but typical all the same. They had always shared and uncanny love for the same things. Music, books, and movies. Core beliefs about people and life. They learned much from and abut each other that way. Sharing their most treasured things.
~~~~Tara cried the 8 hour drive home. It was too much, yet no where near enough. Tara reached overload when she returned from the party with his wife and went to sleep in his son’s room, on snoopy sheets.
She remembered the snoopy pillow. Kevin had a snoopy pillow that was sacred, no one touched it. His security blanket. In the one letter he wrote her after he left he told her that she had snagged the snoopy pillow a few times and he would watch her sleep curled around it.
~~~~Tara, Kelley, and Brian spent more and more time together. Brian asked Tara to come help them with a project, more specifically drive back home with Kelley and the three kids. She agreed. Brian made the reservations then told her that Kevin was coming too. But not his wife. Michelle told her this was a bad idea and that she was being set up. Tara knew that. But she couldn’t not go. What if??
Tara got off the plane and Brian was there. They hugged and took off down the hallway. Kevin met them, "Damn plane. I miss the first one and now they’ve lost the damn seat I missed the plane for in the first place." Brian laughed, "Go on, hug her." Kevin did, "Hey girl" Tara glared at Brian, "Hey boy"
The three headed out and back to the hotel where Kelley and the kids were. Kevin sat across the room as Tara played with Kate. He smiled as he watched her, she knew that smile too well. She forgot what that smile did to her. You forget things after 13 years. They took the kids to a mall with an amusement park. Tara had one of the girls and Kevin had another. Everyone was in a train store. Tara and Kevin headed toward Brian and as they met from opposite directions they both were singing along with the muzak. It was an old Bee Gees song, and they started at the same time and in the same falsetto voice. They looked at each other, and took off the other way. Brian started laughing, "OK that was freaky" Tara and Kevin took the kids for awhile so Brian and Kelley could look around. A girl was giving her sales speech and Kevin leaned into Tara, "She thinks they’re ours" then he led her off. They all met up at a fountain and Tara gave all the twins, Kelley, and herself pennies to make a wish. She turned with her back to the fountain and saw Kevin holding the little boy across the mall. She closed her eyes and wished for that. Unable to help wanting him and that to be their child. Brian walked over smiling, "So, what did you wish for?" She looked at him, "I can’t tell you. Then it won’t come true." He shook his head, "Nope, it’s the sincerity of the wish, and I know what you wished for. Patience love. Timing is everything."
Brian, Tara and Kevin had seen a ride when they first got there and all stood in awe "THE BATTLE AXE". They shook their heads, "No fucking way." After letting the kids play in the amusement park the adults took a turn. Kelley stayed with the kids. It was time to decide what to ride. Tara looked at the AXE, "I wanna do that" Brian said, "I will if you will." She smiled, "I will" They both looked at Kevin. He rolled his eyes, "Fine" Brian led the way followed by Kevin then Tara. Kevin let Tara go first, so she was between them. The bar came down and Kevin laughed, "Shit, I can’t feel my legs." The ride flipped them upside down then took them in circles as it flipped them. Tara and Brian relaxed into it and enjoyed the sensation. Tara’s hair rolled with the ride over Brian then over Kevin. They teased Kevin into relaxing, "See isn’t that great." He grabbed on, "Relaxing is over rated"
She remembered the last time they had played together. They had seen a comedy special and the comedian made a joke about playing with slinky’s on an escalator - If you put a slinky going down an up escalator would it go on forever? Tara and Kevin looked at each other and immediately went out to buy one.
~~~~The shore was their next stop. They had 2 rooms with 2 double beds. Brian asked, "So how we gonna do this?" Kevin frowned, "Do the math. You and the kids there, us over here." Brian smiled, "Good then we’ll have a child free zone." Tara and Kevin set up their stuff, negotiated on who got what bed. Kevin hung up their jackets, the same exact jackets. Bought 5 years ago, several states apart, but the same jackets. Kevin sat in the chair, "OK, this is weird." Tara was sitting on her bed, "Yep. But I knew it would be, didn’t you?" Kevin looked at her, "No I didn’t". She shook her head, "That part freaked me out a little. But I figured this was you and I and weird was normal and we’d just talk about it and move on"
She remembered when everyone thought they were weird. For so long no one knew if they were dating or not. Especially since they had a hard time figuring it out. Everyone would always walk in at the wrong time, or catch the last piece of something. Many of the pledges that spring wouldn’t get near them. There was the time that she came to the house with a water gun and shot him in the ear, he took off upstairs and blocked the door to his room except leaving room for her to stick her hand in. She knew what he was doing. As soon as she put her hand through he took the water gun and unblocked the door. She walked in and he open fired. She calmly pulled the bigger and more accurate water gun from her pocket.
One time she had been in an especially smart assed mood at the party and had zinged him every other minute. He made threats to put her over his knee and spank her. She laughed. The next morning in his room he remembered his promise and did just that. The pledges arrived about that time, saw this and turned and left.
Tara sat with her fraternity little brother watching a movie. They were bored and Dave was playing with string. He had a great idea and tied her hands together. She walked across the hall to Kevin’s room, "Help". He walked over and took her hands, "What have you gotten yourself into now girl?" She smiled, "Dave got bored" He shook his head, "Ok. I’ll help. No, wait." He ducked under and between her bound wrists and kissed her long and deep. This was of course when people walked in, just as he removed her bound wrists from around his neck.
~~~~ They looked at each other a few minutes before Tara broke the silence, "So tell me what’s different about you from 14 years ago. He told her the big difference was that he was more emotional now. Actually had them and expressed them. He used to never feel things, wouldn’t let himself and now he cried over commercials. He went on to talk about how he had "found himself". She went, "Hhhmpf" He asked. She answered, "Just like I thought you’d grow up." He asked what was different about her. She immediately had to fight the tears. She had lost herself after he left. Forgot the things that were most important to her. Been severely disillusioned. It had been recent that she had moved to change that, get back what she had lost. She remembered her best times and things she liked most of herself were with him. Knowing him again and helped her find them. And answered the question if she had ever mattered. She got the answer without asking. The first time they talked he told her that after he got her letter he went to the place where he keeps his important papers and pulled her notes, letters, cards, and journal pages. If he still had all that~~she had mattered.
He remembered when he was lost. He was scared. He wanted Tara’s attention, wanted her love. When he had it he felt like it held him, instead of him holding it. So he ran away. Ran from what was good and what they both wanted.
~~~~Tara came back from making a booze run, "There is the coolest lighthouse thingies down the coast." Kevin perked up, "How far down?" Tara smiled, "Walking distance, easy." The next day while Brian, Kelley and the kids were in the pool they took a walk. Both wearing their jackets, both with their hands stuffed far into them. They talked about responsibilities and their relationships. Kevin admitted that he was the stable one in their relationship. Which scared him. Once they reached the lighthouse they stood out in the jetty and talked. Kevin, of course, had to spit over the side, "Hey it’s a guy thing." He told her that he didn’t have regrets, except a few. And she was one of them, how he treated her. He regretted how he left, abandoned her. They went out to eat and had the waitress take a picture of them, she thought "how it could have been". A boat was coming through the channel and the bridge had lifted. Tara and Kevin laughed as they raced to be under the bridge as it came down, stopping less that a foot above them. They all got drunk and went to the whirlpool. Tara and Kelley were there for a few minutes before them. Kevin settled in and stretched out his legs. His foot was on hers. They looked at each other, neither one moved. He made a smartass comment and Tara splashed him. The laughed as they had a water fight.
She remembered the last time they were in the water together. Many people had gone to Florida for Spring Break. Michelle and Tara were staying with her cousin and drove to where the guys were. Tara and Kevin were in the swimming pool kissing when Melinda and Denise came. Kevin backed away from Tara, "Don’t hang on me." He got out of the pool to talk to Melinda. The next night Tara and Michelle went to the strip. Tara met a volleyball player from Pennsylvania and proceeded to make out with him in alleys, on the beach, in McDonalds. Michelle made sure Kevin knew.
~~~~That night they laughed until very late. All sorts of private jokes had started already. People were flipping each other off so often that Tara just started waving her hands over her head, like she was shooing them away. This cracked Kevin up. The kids woke up and were whining. Kevin whined back, "There’s no whining in Minnesota." One of his favorite lines from "A League of their Own". That night Tara and Kevin lay in their beds and recited half of "The Princess Bride".
She remembered all the other private jokes, and silliness they had.
~~~~Tara, Kelley and the kids left. They would return in a week to pick up the rest of the stuff. Leaving was a simple "Later" and a hug. Tara couldn’t cry, couldn’t let Kelley see how hard leaving him was. When they got back Kevin’s wife was there with Nick. And Tara had brought Chris. Kevin went with Kelley, and Tara to get the kids settled and the truck unpacked. He immediately started playing with Chris. Over the time they were there Kevin must have kissed Chris a dozen times. Each time taking a little piece of her heart.
She remembered when she found out she was pregnant. A child conceived the last time they made love. By the time she spoke to him again she had lost the baby. He would never know.
~~~~Somehow it was decided that Tara and Kevin’s wife would take all 5 kids to the zoo. This gave Tara time to see her. The woman who had taken him from her. They were strikingly similar in physical ways. Both had brown hair, brown eyes, and the same body shape. But where Tara wore her hair down, his wife always had hers pulled back. Tara wouldn’t call her feminine.
She remembered the letter Kevin had sent. He admitted his feelings, "It’s times like this I allow myself the weakness to admit that I love you. God, to write that even hurts. You made me. And for that I hate you. You and your damned perfect femininity."
Brian had told her that when he and Kevin got together after Tara had been to Brian’s house the two men had talked about her for almost 2 hours. Kevin had told him, ‘You know what I remember most, how good that girl smelled." Brian laughed, "Oh she still smells incredible."
~~~~Kevin’s wife was leaving and taking Nick. Tara watched as Kevin scaled an eight foot rock wall to pick wildflowers and give them to his wife. For a split second she thought they might be for her. The next day Tara watched Kevin throw the dead flowers away.
She remembered when he picked her flowers. They had walked to a concert and on the way back Kevin saw the first spring flowers and picked one for Tara and gave it to her. "Back home I’d always pick one of the first flowers and give it to the person I loved most, take it to my mom."
During spring break Tara and Kevin took a walk on the beach and were arguing about how they would be~ again. Things were getting serious and Kevin was getting scared, but he could never admit that. They were interrupted by their friends ready to go back to the room. Once there Kevin took off out the door. Tara followed. They walked around a golf course. Kevin had gone there this afternoon and wanted to show her something. He took her to a place where the trees were thick with flowers and there was a small wooden bridge over a brook. He plucked a flower from the tree, pulled a bug out of it and put it in her hair.
Tara still had those flowers.
~~~~That night Tara and Kevin stayed up late talking and listening to CD’s. Kevin sat up, "OK, you’re deserted on an island. You can only take 10 songs what would they be. I’ll go first." He first pick was "Alison" by Elvis Costello. Something by theDoors, the Eagles, Ashley and Martin, Shawn Mullins. Tara’s list was INXS, the Eagles, the Stones. She asked it he had heard "Black" by Pearl Jam. He hadn’t, so she gave him the lyrics, "I know someday you’ll have a beautiful life I know you’ll be a star, in somebody else’s sky, but why can’t it be mine." She left out the BSB song that touched her heart, on purpose. She couldn’t think of her last song then, "Oh. I’d take Alison too." They looked at each other knowingly, "I thought so. Ready to sleep now?"
They remembered "Alison". They often sat in his room and listened to music. The biggies were "My Aim is True" by Elvis Costello, "Singles 45 and Under" by Squeeze, and Meatloaf’s "Bat out of Hell". This night they had been out with friends. They hadn’t made love yet, close though. On the drive home the song "Urgent" came on and they started laughing, their friends changed the station. "Let’s go All the Way" came on. They laughed even harder. That night they danced in his room to "Alison" before making love for the first time. It would be 13 years before he could tell her that he loved her that night, that he could have never made love to her if he hadn’t.
She remembered when she was afraid to tell him she loved him, but it was tearing her apart. She knew he felt it, but would never say it. After formal she went back to school and left him a package with a Care Bear, a rose and 45 of "Sometimes When we Touch." That night they had a date. Back at his room he went and got it, he hadn’t opened it. He knew what she meant and hugged her, "Why can’t you say it?" She took a deep breath, "Say what, that I love you". He couldn’t say it. She smiled and kissed him, "You know I never got my dance at formal." He walked to the stereo, "Good thing somebody left me this cool new record then."
~~~~The project was taking much longer than anyone had anticipated and Kevin had reached his limit. He sat silently in the car with that brooding look. She recognized that and knew how to diffuse him, but couldn’t. Not now. He stayed behind and talked to Brian for a long time. Back in the room she diverted his thoughts. "Do you still write?" He laughed, "No way. Not since college." She asked why not. "Not happy with anything I wrote, I gave up. Now my creativity comes out in music or with my son. Do you still sing?" Tara shook her head, "No one besides Chris has heard me sing since college." He asked why not. "No one has appreciated how important that is to me since then."
He remembered the first time he heard her sing. They were ‘just friends’ and he had gone home with her for the weekend. They were driving down the road and she started singing to "Secret Lovers" He looked over, "Turn it up" She reached for the knob, "Not the radio, you. Louder please. Very pretty." From then on he often told her to turn it up. He’d play Berlin to get her to sing for him. She always did.
She remembered how he loved to write. He had stacks of handwritten stories. No one ever got to read them. Except her. His dream was to write a novel. One idea was to write of their time together. Their conversations and memories, but he hadn’t thought to take notes. She told him that she kept a journal with everything in it. She copied it for him, blacking out any personal information that he didn’t need to have. Over the years she often watched for a novel by him. Never to be written.
~~~~The next day they were to leave. Brian informed them that it would be several hours delayed. Tara melted down. Brian held her as she cried, "I’m out of coping skills. We were supposed to leave 3 days ago, Chris is being horrible, and lets not even talk about how emotionally draining all of this has been." Brian told her, "I know. Has to be. Just let it out." Kevin stood to the side watching but not moving. Tara wanted nothing more than for him to be the one holding here, but that couldn’t happen.
. . . . . . "Tara? You gonna be ok"
"Yeah, I’ll be fine."
"Good. I melted down last night, only fair for you to have a turn."
"Oh yeah."
He hugged her as she got in the car to leave, "Bye girl"
She heard it, "Bye boy."
~~~~Tara sat on the beach in the full moon remembering that timing is everything, and wondering what she would be like, what it would feel like when she finished the letting go.
She remembered everything.
No one ever knew, of me and you.
No way in, on what we had
Dare they try, as envy does
I remember everything
I remember every dream
I remember everything of us
No one ever cried, the way we cried
Nothing ever healed the wounds of time
We survived on little love
I remember everything
I remember every dream
I remember feeling thin
I remember falling down
I remember falling out of life
I remember holding on
I remember crawling home
I remember falling down
I remember messing up
I remember holding on
I remember falling down
I remember everything
I remember everything
I remember everything
*****Crinolines and Waltzing by Julia Darling
Listen to it at JuliaDarling.com